Here's My Heart, O Take And Seal It, Seal It For Thy Courts Above...

The 3 of us together for the first time in 3 years

   For the past month or so my life has been impacted most by the lyrics of one of my favorite hymns, Come Thou Fount. Even though the words to this beloved hymn are over 200 years old they still hold a very important message, and lately, the message of my heart that I couldn't find the words to communicate.
    As the holiday season is upon us I have been blessed to have my entire family here for Thanksgiving over the past week. My brother and his girlfriend arrived from NY about 2 weeks ago and the day my sister, her husband, and my adorable little niece arrived was the first time in 3 years that all 3 of us siblings have been in the same place together. It was wonderful to have both of my siblings, and their families, around the table and was my first Thanksgiving home since I left for the apprentice program back in 2008. Through all the joy, laughter, wedding preparations for Sammi, and adjusting to this new family dynamic of having 8 instead of 5 one thing kept nagging at me, a feeling of discontentment, a feeling that something was missing because I didn't have that extra someone to share the holiday with. I know none of the comments made over the week everyone was here were intentional, but I took each one personally. Comments like "we'll send everyone out in couples for pictures" and the fact that I was the only one who didn't have someone to sit next to at Thanksgiving dinner. But in my quiet moments alone reading, or enjoying singing my way through an old hymnal, I've been hearing my Heavenly Lover speaking to me clearer than ever before.
    The best way to describe how I've been feeling lately is a hunger I can't fulfill, an ache I can't heal, and a void I can't fill. A longing to know a young man and be loved and wanted by him like my sister and her husband, or my brother and his girl, that I must patiently sit and wait to be fulfilled in God's timing, however long that may be. Recently I have been reading my battle worn copy of Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot. During her struggle of waiting for Jim she wrote this quote in her journal, it's originally from S.D. Gordon's Quiet Talks On Prayer and goes like this; "Steadfastness, that is holding on; patience, that is holding back; expectancy, that is holding the face up; obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do; listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear." There isn't one character quality there that I haven't been struggling with immensely lately.
    Through this struggle I have to see a "snowflake" on the horizon in a beautiful picture I have never imagined before, the picture of what it means to "hunger and thirst after God". I should have this same ache and longing to spend time with my Creator, Abba, and Lord. Matthew 5:6 says "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." Paired with Psalms 107:9 "He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness." I have a new promise to stand on. A promise that I've known for a long time, but one that never had "flesh on it" so to speak. My wandering heart, looking for fulfillment in a relationship with a young man, a human relationship that will never truly fill my soul, needs to be bound to my God with a hunger and longing for Him.

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart, O take and seal it; seal it for they courts above.

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow...

    As the first snow fell on the mountains this past week it challenged me to remember a lesson God showed me back during my first year as an apprentice. A lesson of faith, a challenge to remember... and I want to share it with you.

2/14/09 - 4:30pm - Miracle Mountain Ranch Missions - Teen Conference

    It was the 4th hour of trail rides I was wrangling for the weekend, I was cold, and just plain mechanical at my job right about now, all I could think of was a hot shower and sleep. I was lead wrangler for one of the two strings and I wanted to be joyful because the bunkhouse currently on my string happened to be the one I was assistant counselor for, but it was trying my patience.
    As we were riding along I was just chatting with the young lady behind me when we came into a clearing in the woods. As we meandered through the snow was lightly dusting off the trees and as the sun came out and hit the falling snow it lit up the flakes like glitter falling from the sky. When the snow landed on my carhartt I couldn't help but notice all of the perfect, tiny snowflakes, and then it hit me.
    The night before Matt Cox had spoke on "How Great is Our God" in chapel and used the stars as an example. Stars that are so huge in relation to earth and how it would take millions and billions of earths to fill some of them, and how God breathed them all into existence. This came into a new light as I watched the snowflakes. Each tiny, unique, perfect one was created by the same God. Even though they are here for just an instant and then gone, He tenderly created each one for our enjoyment and His glory.
    What I came to realize that cold February afternoon is that God works in many mysterious ways. He will work in the big things and show His huge power like He does in the stars, and He will also work in the little things, like the snowflakes, that slowly build up to make a huge impact.

    Looking back at that event in my life I am challenged to "remember the snowflakes". The more subtle of the workings of the hand of God in my life. When the Lord would do miraculous works in the lives of the Israelites He would follow with the challenge to remember and pass it on to the future generations as a reminder of His faithfulness and love for His people. The same applies for us and Christians now. As I look back over this past year I see His hand working in that I could have easily been killed twice and was spared, the immense opportunities to work with people that not only challenged me, but loved and nurtured me through one of the hardest years of my life, God's provision for my bills from my accidents, time to recover as well as develop a deeper understanding of God's will for my life, and a lot of incredibly wonderful friends I made along the way, just to name a few.

    Some of these things aren't huge "wow!" moments, but they are the workings of God, and you and me both will miss them unless we intentionally look for them, and remember.

Life Is A Highway, I Wanna Ride It All Night Long...

    It's hard to believe that as I sit down to write this I am in my 5th new room in the past 3 years. This past weekend we moved into our new house and the transition has gone very smoothly. Our new house feels more like home to me than the previous one, which is probably due to the fact that I actually have my own room and am no longer living out of my suitcases. It's crazy to look back and see all the different places and experiences I have been through in the past 3 years.

    As I was unpacking boxes in my new "domain" and discovering forgotten treasures it brought tears to my eyes because I dearly miss my friends and what I do. As boxes of trophies and awards were opened it reminded me of how passionate I have always been about riding and doing my very best, and how easy it is to be discontent in current circumstances. Pictures of me and my horse, my friends from the barn I worked at, 4-H medals, all momentos of what was, now it's trying to rest in God for what is to come.
    At the moment I am still unemployed. It has been a long process of "we're not hiring right now" or "we picked someone else". But, God willing, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I received a call from Broadview University over the weekend about putting in an application for a position as an adjunct professor in their Vet Tech program. With my license from Florida I fit the criteria and am hoping and praying that this door will open. The opportunity would be incredible!
    The biggest struggle right now is being content in where I am at on this highway. It feels like driving down I90 needing to eat something and having to be happy with a granola bar even though I know there is something better out there somewhere, I'm just not to it yet.  Through it all God has been using this time of granola bars instead of steak as a time for me to spend un-distracted time with Him. Kind of like the 18 hours I had to get to know the crew that drove from PA to MS with me in August of 2009. There was a purpose for the trip, but the conversation and time spent getting to know each other not only made the time pass faster, but brought us closer together so that when we got there we had a relationship to stand on when times got rough.
    Overall this "highway" has been a literal and metaphorical one. When we moved from NY to FL in 2007 I thought it was going to kill me. It was hard to be away from lifetime friends, but God blessed me with a job I could have only dreamed about. When I left for PA in 2008 it was hard to say goodbye to my family, and the trials that came while I was away had me on the verge of giving up and going home, but God carried me through and developed a much deeper faith in me. Leaving my adopted family in PA and going to MS in 2009 was agonizing. The not knowing what was going to be expected, the immense trials we endured, at times it was truly miserable. Looking back at it now, I wouldn't change a thing, I'm glad it wasn't easy (not saying I would do it again mind you). In all of the hard times it grew strong, deep relationships between us apprentices and the Heavenly Father we were clinging to. Those 5 are some of the closest friends I will ever have. Leaving MS to come "home" to UT has probably been the hardest transition so far simply because it is full of unkowns... but I know when I look back I will see the blessings because my God is faithful :)

How big is your God?

You Make Me Dance Like A Fool, Forget How To Breathe...

Well all, it has been a while since I have taken the time to update y'all, so here it is.

Since my last post we have found a new house! It is just about a tenth of a mile down the road from where we currently live and much bigger. Now, when my siblings and their peeps come for Thanksgiving we will have plenty of space. This is a HUGE answer to prayer as the house we are currently in hardly has enough space for the three of us, much less for the five of us plus a few extras. The fact that we are even able to rent this house is a major God thing! It happens to be owned by friends of my parents that were PCAd to Texas and we became aware that they were willing to rent the house through a mutual friend. Within two days we had made a deal with them and started making plans to move. The official date that we are in the new house is October 15th, but we have been slowly moving stuff day by day down the road.

North Fork Park

Throughout all of the job searches and applications and paperwork I finally heard back from the hospitals that handled my injuries when I shattered my nose back in April. I had applied for charity care to help cover the bills since I have been unemployed and both hospitals have decided to cover my expenses in full! That is about $20,000 worth of medical expenses. God has been so good in simply having our family here and providing good jobs for both of my parents and now I am starting to see some of the blessings myself.

With all that said, I thank all of you for the prayers for me and my family. Things aren't completely smooth sailing as I am still unemployed, but God has been showing Himself very faithful.

Socially Acceptable

Today I finally decided I needed to get outside of the house for a while, get somewhere different and start enjoying being here. So as I write this I am comfortable situated at a bar table on the back deck of the best coffee shop I have ever been to, Grounds For Coffee, right here in Layton and I can see why it is a local hotspot. I brought along my Bible, journal, and word study tools (aka: my computer with the handy software my dad put on it for me… thanks dad!) and instead of getting the amount of word study done that I was expecting I ended up making some interesting observations thanks to the horses across the street and all of the interesting people I have seen come in and out of this place in the past hour. But first, a little background of where these are coming from:

The story of the past few days has been one of major ups and major downs. Everything from being excited about my little sister asking me to be her maid-of-honor in December and the fun of helping plan her big day, to really missing my companions and fighting tears for two days straight. For the first time since graduation, and since saying goodbye to the people that had become my family I was finally able to really cry. Nobody here understood why, out of nowhere, I would suddenly get very emotional. Just simple things like wandering around the state fair, or hearing a song on the radio could put me over an edge. I was missing “my group” “my guys” “my team” “my gang” and feeling out of place and essentially un-needed and left out.

What God has been revealing to me while I sit here has been not only comforting my heart, but bringing tears anew to my eyes. I have watched the “punk” college kids, the business men all dressed in their suits and ties, the everyday mom and daughter, the retired elderly men, and others come in and out of here, just enjoying a good coffee, mocha, latte or something else that suits their fancy and came to realize that I’m really no different than any of them. It didn’t completely settle in until the horses across the road caught my attention. There is a gorgeous red roan 2 year old, a sorrel mare and a red roan weanling in the pasture that I can see. Each one of them are distinctly different, they look different, act different, and have different purposes and jobs as part of the herd, but they all have one master. They all interact well now, but if you took one from the herd or introduced a new horse then things would be a little rough for a while. Everyone has to learn their place, how things work, who is in charge, and the master decides who goes in what pasture and with which horses. Right now I feel like the horse that has been taken from its old herd, my dearest friends, the comfort zone of who I knew, and placed in a new pasture, with new horses. Right now I am the horse that drives every owner crazy, I pace the fence, whinny and scream, don’t pay a whole lot of attention in the arena or round pen, and works myself into a sweaty tizzy instead of settling in and learning the new herd. All the horses in the herd have the same owner, the same trainer, as do all the people in this world, it’s just whether or not they choose to listen that makes the difference.

So am I going to continue to pace the fence? No. There is a “young adults” home group through our church and my pastor said I would most likely be the youngest there, but with being done with college he figured it would be the best fit for me. Their first group meeting is next Tuesday and I am looking forward to getting to meet some Godly young adults that I can go do things with. Will new friends replace the old ones? Of course not… and with moving into our NEW HOUSE next month, there will be plenty of room for all of the old ones to come visit (hint hint).

(2 hours later) – Wow! I was sitting here writing the above paragraphs when this kid my age showed up with a coffee and a block of wood he was carving and just started chatting. Then this older gentleman joined us and I immediately felt like I was sitting at the knee of my grandfather listening to him tell stories and tell me about all of the great places I need to visit here in Utah. Talk about a crazy turn of events for an afternoon!
Anyway… God bless and I hope my ramblings made as much sense to you as they did to me!

Random Words and Lyrics Spit Out Of Our Mouths Just Like Flaming Fire From a Dragon...

2009 - 2010 FCA Camp and Conferences Work Crew

    The title of this post is a random lyric line from a goofy song that my brother and one of his friends wrote... and basically describes what my life feels like right now. Everybody's favorite question is "So what are you doing now that you're home?" and I am tired of not having a really solid answer. The next question usually is along the lines of "What is God telling you to do?" and I am not completely sure... but I think things are starting to get a little less "foggy."
    This past week both our Sunday morning service and our home group study was on what it means to take care of the widows and orphans. James 1:27 says that "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." The discussion at home group last night turned to how in modern times it isn't just the widows and orphans, but the needy in general, which is also Biblical. James 2:14-20 says "What use is it, my brethren, if someone says he has no works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,' and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that? Even so faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself." When it says faith without works is dead it isn't just a figure of speech. The original Greek literally means "as a corpse", so without acting on your faith you are no different than a dead body for the purpose of Christ.
    An analogy that came to mind when I was laying in bed last night was this: Your faith and relationship with Christ, and a want and hunger for more, is what inspires the works. Like a child who wants to help mom and spend more time with her so the child tries to help fold the laundry, or do the dishes. The child may not do well at first, but the outward action is the proof of the inward love and seeking heart.
    I have been asking God to open a door for me here, and to guide where He sees fit. Through all of the searching what impressed upon my heart the most was what was preached this past week and I believe it is God's way of saying "Here, take this step, I gotcha."
    I say all of that to put into perspective that I am researching and considering applying to several different ranches/residential homes for "at-risk" youth here in Utah. When I was in Mississippi at French Camp Academy I discovered a passion I didn't know I had for these kids and I want to get involved with a similar program out here. Do I still think I will end up back at FCA someday, yeah, but for now I think I will enjoy something similar out here in the west if opportunity arises.

'Cause He Knew The Price That Love Requires And He Laid Down His Own Desires...

    Wow, just earlier tonight I was struggling with a lack of purpose, a lack of passion, a lack of a reason to do basically anything, and then things changed. I took a blanket, my Bible and my journal along with my trusty book light (thank you dad) to the backyard to stare at the stars (one of my favorite pass times) and enjoy some much needed quiet time. After I was out back for about 20 minutes there was a noise between our house and the neighbor's empty house, I assumed it was the loose black lab that has been wandering around and thought nothing of it until I heard voices at the back fence.

Me with my His Way Home sisters at FCA

    I thought nothing of it until I heard a girl crying. Her name is Emily (from what I picked up of the conversation) and she was miserable. She was talking to one of her friends about how her dad doesn't realize how hard it has been growing up without him... he is in prison and she has hardly ever seen him. Her mom doesn't seem to really care and Emily is on drugs to help with her thoughts of suicide. There were several other issues, but those were the main ones that I over-heard from my spot in the backyard.
    It brought me to tears to hear these girls, who couldn't be much older than middle-school, talk about these things. Emily's friend wasn't much of a consolation and I wanted so badly just to give her a hug and talk to her and share the hope and un-dying love of Christ with this child of His. It reminded me of so many of the girls I worked with and talked with at French Camp Academy last year. Before this all came about tonight I had been praying that God would at least crack a door open for me, give me a hint of where I need to go. So for the past 2 hours I have been re-searching Girl's Ranches here in UT, most of them are about 4+ hours from where my parents live. I still think I will end up back in French Camp at some point in the future, but maybe God just intended that as a training ground to do something out here.

Psalms 16:11 - You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Sometimes Love - Chris Rice

Is your world spinning backwards?/ What has brought about this change?/ Can't you see that people aren't the same?

I wish I were dreamin and could wake from my sleep/ and find us all the way we used to be.

Cause the love that used to be is dyin/ Is anybody even tryin?/ and I don't know how, I don't know why/ but somethin in my soul is cryin.

(Chorus)
Sometimes love has to drive a nail into its own hand/ sometimes love has to drive a nail into its own hand.

One pair of hands broke some break and washed some feet/ opened eyes and soothed an angry soul/ belong to a man who could see our deepest need/ and showed us love the way it has to be.

Cause he knew the price that love requires/ and he laid down his own desires/ he stretched out his hands to save his friends/ and said "no other love is higher"

(Repeat Chorus)

Love can change us/ love can make a way/ Only Jesus' love can change us/ love can make a way

Sometimes love has to drive a nail into its own hand

Though None Go With Me, Still I Will Follow...

   Things never cease to change around here. Many different opportunities are available for me right now, and trying to pick through them is the most complicated part. Something new that presented itself yesterday was a lead that my dad discovered for me that I was unaware of, The U.S. Army Veterinary Corps. They service all of the military working animals as well the the serviceman's privately owned animals. They have a reservist unit as well as active duty. Considering this option isn't really anything sudden. Since I was young I wanted to be on the canine police corps or something of the like and have actually been looking into search and rescue training to be on our Weber County Search and Rescue squad. I emailed our local recruiter yesterday and am waiting to hear back on whether or not the reserve unit of the veterinary corps would be an option for me. Please pray that God will only open the doors that He wants me to go through.

Lamentations 3:25-28
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he should bear the yoke in his youth.

The Good Lord Gave Us Mountains So We Could Learn How To Climb...

Successful geocache find :-D

   As always life is never boring in the Goers household. Be it hiking, go-karts, mini-golf, geocaching, or just regular everyday conversation it has its share of challenges and adventures. This past weekend my parents took me and Jemi out to hike Adam's Canyon. Now Adam's Canyon is rated at a level 4 out of 5 for public hiking trails with its 1,200ft elevation gain, 3.5 mile length and rocky terrain, but it's worth it to get to the 40ft waterfall at the end. We got up relatively early and packed snacks, water bottles and the gps so we could start out before it got too hot. I had grabbed some geocache coordinates before we left the house and found a cache just about .3 miles up the trail, my second find all by myself. As we headed into the woods it was incredible to see the different rock outcroppings and just the beauty of the area that I now live in.

That's me at the top waving :)

    As we hiked we came across this spot where across the stream there was one of many 200ft or so high rock outcroppings and my mom said (and I quote) "If you crossed over there you could probably climb it". I wasn't originally planning on climbing anything, but I crossed the creek and checked it out. After that I'm not quite sure what happened, but my first thought was something like "I think I could climb that", so up I went, without a harness. It beyond freaked out mom, who was down at the bottom with dad and Jemi taking pictures. When I got to the top the view was breathtaking. It looked down to another canyon on the other side and everything looked so small from so high. As I climbed down it just boggled my mind how I could ever doubt God. The God who created all of this, and yet was intimately involved with the design of every little detail. When Genesis 1:1 says that God created the Heavens and the earth it means He literally hand designed everything and when He spoke it came to be! I don't know about you, but to me that is incredible, I certainly have never spoke and had something appear! So some food for thought... How Big is your God?

I Will Build For All Time, A House of Memories...

    So, I was itching to watch some of my family's home videos last night. The only problem is that they were in a rather heavy and bulky box on the very top shelf in the garage. After moving the car and with added help from mom and a step stool the box finally made it into the house. After digging through piles of videos I found some of the more worn tapes that are full of our particularly favorite memories. As I've watched me and my siblings go from babies to bigger kids, laughed, cried, rewound to watch something over, and been reminded of things I had forgotten I fell upon the tape of us doing a Patch the Pirate play with our home-school group. I was a whole whopping 10 years old and it was my first speaking part ever! I played Sissy Seagull and had all of the big words (imagine that), but at the very end of the play I had some of the most important lines about following God.

Me at the age of 3

    Throughout all of the movies of us singing and dancing on the coffee table, to plays and public presentations what impressed me the most was what it means to have faith like a child. We sang about Jesus, talked about Jesus, and believed whatever we were told, because it was Jesus, how could it be wrong? Why can't I have that same faith now that I am older? Why does every little thing have to be metaphorical, or an analogy, or have every little detail explained, why can't I just take things for face value like I did when I was a kid? Just something to think about.


Faith Like A Child - Jars Of Clay

Dear God, surround me as I speak,/the bridges I walk across are weak/ Frustrations fill the void that I can solely bear/ Dear God, don't let me fall apart,/ you've held me close to you /I have turned away searched for answers I can't understand

Chorus: They say that I can move the mountains/ and send them crashing into the sea/ They say that I can walk on water/ if I would follow and believe/ with faith like a child.

Sometimes, when I feel miles away/ and my eyes can't see your face/ I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness/ I walked in light of you.

(Chorus)

[Little Girl:] "I've got joy like a fountain!"/ "Be kind one to others"/ "In Jesus Christ Your son"

They say that love can heal the broken/ They say that hope can make you see/ They say that faith kind find a Savior/ If you would follow and believe/ with faith like a child

Luke 18:17 - Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God Like a child will not enter it at all.

I Want More Than Just Ok, More Than Just Ok

    So, my morning this morning has officially kicked me in the butt. I got up to take mom to school and feel like I was run over by the SOTM freightliner. Part of it is my body trying to adjust to the higher altitudes, and the other part I am hoping is just allergies.
    I was feeling inspired a couple days ago to start a new schedule to get myself back into some form of routine so it isn't as much of a system shock when I do start work. The program consists of getting up at 6:30 to spend some time with my parents before they go to work, a physical work-out program, and an in-depth study of Psalms 18 along with my regular devotions.
   I read Psalms 1 yesterday in my devotions and was challenged by verses 2 and 3. The gist is that the man who delights in the law of the Lord and meditates on it day and night will be like a tree firmly planted that yields fruit, prospers and does not wither. What it has me thinking on is what does it mean to "delight in the law"? What do you think?
   Ever since I was little I wanted to be on the police force or something similar. As a kid my mom very adamantly said "no". Being immersed in the military atmosphere around the base has had me re-considering some things. From USAF Reserves to applying for a position on base. After being at French Camp Academy for a year I'm having a hard time settling to just simply working a job to only make a paycheck. I need more of a purpose to exist that simple going to work.

When I wake in the morning,
I want to blow it to pieces
I want more than hust ok, more than just ok
When I'm up with the sunrise,
I want more than just blue skies,
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.

I'm Just A Small Town Girl...

Well, life in Layton Utah is very different from French Camp Mississippi. Between the F15s, F16s, and F22s taking off over our house at several different times a day and seeing mountains out the window it is a whole new experience. I feel like a the country mouse that fell in love the the atmosphere of French Camp stuck in the big city.

Over this past week I have been to the Hill Air Force Base Aerospace Museum, the Pinewood Reservoir, The Davis County Fair, and a PRCA Rodeo. So comparatively speaking there is much more to do around here than when I had to drive 45 minutes to get to Wal-Mart. Jemi Grimes will be here for two more weeks to hang out and find her way around town with me... and with Double Trouble re-united for 3 weeks after a year of hardly seeing each other I think we have scarred some Utahns for life!

There is a pile of boxes in the garage full of my life and settling into my new room has been quite interesting. I want it to feel like home, but not have to completely re-pack everything when we find a new house. As a family we are going to be looking at houses up in Mountain Green. We are hoping to find something with an in-law style apartment so that I can have some of my own space along with enough property to have some livestock, and my own dog. Mountain Green is just through the pass and up in the Wasatch Mountain Range so it would be much closer to the reservoir and the ski resorts too :)

What has been challenging me lately is Psalms chapter 18:25-39

The passage talks about how God will appear to us how we are and where we are at because he saves an afflicted people. It then speaks about how He will gird me with strength, make my feet like hinds' feet and train my hands for battle. Being this close to the base and interacting with so many air force personnel, including my own dad, has brought it to life. Being girded with strength, and trained for battle isn't something that happens just passively sitting around. The pilots are constantly flying over doing training drills, or flying out past the salt flats for bombing practice. If you drive by the base on any given day they are out running and working out, or making sure their equipment is 100%. It's no different in my spiritual life. Be it continuing scripture memorization, devotions, and journaling, or finding ways to invest in those around me I have to continue training.

Well that's it for today... catch y'all later!