I Grabbed Ahold Of All My Dreams And Off We Flew...

Dreams, aspirations, desires, not all bad, everyone has them. Tonight I had the pleasure of taking the back seat at study and let my co-leader take the reins and he opened with asking each of us what we could be if we could be anything or go anywhere and why. When it came my turn I had several to answer with so I chose two of the big ones: I want to be a dorm parent at French Camp Academy some day, and I would love to be involved with Christian Veterinary Missions in some form. But there are so many other dreams I have, the smaller ones that influence my daily interactions with people, that I need to take into account as well.

As a study group we have been going over the "7 Deadly Sins" and this week was on lust. As a group we defined lust as: "An overmastering desire that puts the object of desire above God with disregard to the consequences." We didn't discuss lust as simply sexual lust, but also lust for possessions and status. So, back to how my answers to the opening question tie into it all. I have some great aspirations, are they lusts? Those aspirations aren't overmastering, just things I would like to do someday. BUT, I do have to admit I have lusts. Right now I'm lusting for a truck, it has been overpowering for sure! Every single night I have spent hours scouring ads, 2+ nights a week I have been at dealerships talking to pushy salespeople, and so far it's been all for nothing. On one hand, a vehicle is a genuine need with the weather getting cold, on another, it has become an overpowering thing in the past few weeks. Something else a friend posed to me when I was having a rough time of it this past week was this: "Are you missing your ex, or missing having a boyfriend?". That one hit home pretty hard. I have always dreamed of being married and being special to someone and having a man to love, and I have to admit it has made itself a lustful desire in my life. The want to be wanted, and the want for the status of being someone's girl. Are either of these thoughts or dreams bad in and of themselves? No. God created us to want relationships, the desire to be with a man was put there by Him, but when it becomes a distraction to my relationship with God it has become a lustful idol.

These small dreams have pulled me away from my relationship with God. Instead of being a part of God's plan and letting them happen as He wishes, I have tried to put my hand in and focus on them so intensely that I haven't been diligent in my devotions, I have been so caught up in needing finances for a car that I haven't tithed regularly. I have allowed and even promoted these roadblocks in my relationship with God.

Am I a hopeless case? No. Thanks to God's grace I can right what I have been doing wrong. Thanks to His forgiveness I can work towards being a "living and holy sacrifice" even when I do allow things to get in the way, He will still be there when I come back, even though there are consequences.

A friend of mine wrote this song when we were apprentices together, and it has always been one of my favorites. It's about hanging onto our dreams when they pull us away from God. Through tear filled eyes I listened to this song and finally let go tonight. You can listen to the audio version here, the title is "The Balloon Song" by Rachel Mozeika

I grabbed a hold of all my dreams and off we flew,

When my feet they left the ground and I didn’t realize I was leaving you.

Farther and farther, higher and higher

These arms of mine are getting tired

Your gravity is pulling me back to You.

But I think it’s time to let go

Of everything I’ve ever known

Oh the climbs just getting harder

I know that this is gonna hurt

But it’s gonna be much worse

If I hold on much longer

It’s something that was so in vain

Something that I thought I needed

Turned out to be so small

It’s all my fault I’ve drifted so far away from You

I think it’s time to let go,

Time to let go

Of this balloon

It was my choice whether or not to grab ahold of it,

And as I look back down it's beginning to be something I regret,

 Farther and farther, higher and higher,

Your gravity keeps pulling me back to You

But I think it’s time to let go

Of everything I’ve ever known

Oh the climbs just getting harder

I know that this is gonna hurt

But it’s gonna be much worse

If I hold on much longer

It’s something that was so in vain

Something that I thought I needed

Turned out to be so small

It’s all my fault I’ve drifted so far away from You

I think it’s time to let go,

Time to let go

Of this balloon

It comes in all shapes and colors

And some people choose to hold on longer than others

But sometimes all our dreams aren’t always the best for us

And who we really need to cling to is Jesus

Oh I think it’s time to let go

Of everything I’ve ever known

Oh the climbs just getting harder

I know that this is gonna hurt

But it’s gonna be much worse

 If I hold on much longer

It’s something that was so in vain

Something that I thought I needed

Turned out to be so small

It’s all my fault I’ve drifted so far away from You

I think it’s time to let go,

I just let go,

Of this balloon

I Said I'm Waiting For Dawn...

Waiting for my emotions to change. Waiting to feel better inside. Waiting to feel safe and whole again. I heard this song tonight and it has had my head and heart running around in circles. My heart feels homeless, like it can't find anywhere to just rest. But have I even been looking for a place, or to busy trying to ignore the need for that rest and abiding? Have I been so overly active and busy in some things that I have been slothful and neglectful in others?

The last phrase of lyrics sounds a lot like me right now. Every now and then I see you dreaming, Every now and then I see you cry, Every now and then I see you reaching, Reaching for the other side. Some of my best friends have seen the mood swings, the sometimes instant change in me. I'll have a small dream here or there, but something as simple as one comment from someone will crush me. Somewhere I lost my tough skin and soft heart, instead I feel like I have a thin skin and a hard heart for others in its place, and I hate it. In my inability to handle my own emotions and abide in God's rest I have become calloused to those that my heart should be soft towards. It is hard to admit but it's true.

God says all I need to do is come, that His yoke is easy and burden is light, that He is my fortress and my stronghold, I know it all in my head, but in my heart I still struggle to simply admit that I can't do it alone. Dawn will come, but only if I open my eyes to see the light.

What are you waiting for, the day is gone?
I said I'm waiting for dawn
What are you aiming for out here alone?
I said I'm aiming for home

Holding on
Holding on

With red eyes what are you looking for?
With red eyes, red eyes

All of my days are spent within this skin
Within this cage that I'm in
Nowhere feels safe to me, nowhere feels home
Even in crowds I'm alone

Holding on
Holding on

Every now and then I see you dreaming
Every now and then I see you cry
Every now and then I see you reaching
Reaching for the other side
What are you waiting for?

Startin' With Me...

   Security, or insecurity, faith or fear, fulfilled or lonely, at peace or miserable, comforted or bitter... the extremes of my life as of late. The source of my stability can't be the people around me, they fail, can't be my circumstances, they change, can't be myself, because I am nowhere near perfect!

   I make decisions based on faith, initially have a peace about them, but yet find myself doubting those decisions later. I put my expectations in people, in circumstances being just how I planned out in my head, and find myself angry and torn apart inside.

   This past week and a half have been the hardest for me in a long time. I feel like I have been functioning on just above empty. Like there is nothing left to give to anybody, or anything. Today I worked a 12 hour day, I got home and all I wanted to do was take a shower and pass out in bed, yet my head is spinning a million miles an hour. It hasn't taken much to put me in tears the past couple of weeks either. Little things like songs on the radio, going certain places, or the date on the calendar have pushed me to the brink.

   In church we have been doing on a new series called "How To Be Alone And Miserable For The Rest Of Your Life" and it's been on different things that cause us to be without relationship. The first week was on bitterness, last week was selfishness, yesterday was on the power of our words. All 3 have hit home in hard ways and dredged up things that I wish I could go back and change. Am I supposed to let them go? Or am I supposed to go back and try to fix them?

   The only way to fix anything is to change myself first, and it has to be from the inside out. It has to be a God motivated heart change, nothing else will stick.

 If I had a dime
For half the things I did
That didn’t make no sense at all
I’d be living a little higher on the hog
If only I’d of known
That later on down the road
I’d look back and not like what I see
I’d of changed a lot of things
Startin’ with me