Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Time Is Ticking Away...

4 years, 4 years of what you may ask, 4 years of being a resident of Utah. So far nothing outside of simply living in the same state has lasted that long. 3 houses, 3 jobs, friends have come and gone, and so far the only thing that has remained the same is that I am still here. When I stepped off the plane shortly before midnight on August 13th 2010 I had no idea what my future would hold, and as I sit here now I face the same dilemma. The only thing I know is happening 100% is my next race in September, but even now my ankle is wrapped in tape and buried under a bag of ice.

Today it has been easy for me to feel like a failure, a failure at my sport, a failure at my career, a failure as a daughter, a failure as a girlfriend, just generally feel like I am not good at anything today. After over a year of basically being unemployed, minus odd jobs and the few hours I have the support to work for FCA, I am facing the decision of applying for part time jobs at places like Applebee's or the local ranch supply store. With the dedication and hard work I have always put into my career that feels like a huge failure to me, even though it may be just for a time until a position opens up somewhere. I feel like I have failed my parents as a daughter due to some poor decisions and there are days I would rather be anywhere else other than home, and many nights I cry myself to sleep. I feel like I have been a terrible girlfriend, the stress of everything else going on has had my emotions running high without much left to give on some days, but I couldn't be more thankful for the young man I'm dating. Even on my most miserable days he has been nothing short of loving and supportive.

Sitting here, right now, it would be so easy to just tell myself I don't care anymore and do whatever felt good. There have been days I have wanted to just pack my truck and leave to get away from it all, just start somewhere new. But, I know that running away from problems doesn't fix anything.

At FCA Sports Camp back in June the week's topic was being All In and centered around Colossians 3:17 "Whatever you do in word or deed, do ALL IN the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father." During staff training one of the huddle leader coordinators shared a list of how God sees us, instead of how man sees us or how the devil wants us to see ourselves.

I Am:
Beloved: Jeremiah 31:3
Child Of God: 1 John 3:1
Delighted In: Zephaniah 3:17
Forgiven: 1 Peter 2:24
Washed Clean: Isaiah 1:18
Free: Galatians 5:1
Co-Heirs With Christ: Romans 8:17
Righteous: 2 Corinthians 5:21
New: 2 Corinthians 5:17
Set Apart: 1 Peter 2:9
Saints: 1 Corinthians 6:11
Masterpiece: Ephesians 2:10
Wonderfully Made: Psalms 139:14
Bold: 2 Corinthians 3:12
Whole: Colossians 2:10

Without these truths I couldn't ever be All In, I wouldn't be able to because it would be of my own strength and power. But, even when I feel like a rotten miserable failure, God's word is there to remind me that I am so much more than that in His eyes. I still don't know what tomorrow may bring, and I'm sure I will have plenty of days where I feel like I can't do a darn thing right, but as long as I can keep my life in His perspective it will all be ok. My time here in Utah may be limited, I don't know where I will end up next, so for the meantime I am going to do my best to be All In here, and wherever you are in life right now be all there.