Monday, October 8, 2012

Startin' With Me...

   Security, or insecurity, faith or fear, fulfilled or lonely, at peace or miserable, comforted or bitter... the extremes of my life as of late. The source of my stability can't be the people around me, they fail, can't be my circumstances, they change, can't be myself, because I am nowhere near perfect!

   I make decisions based on faith, initially have a peace about them, but yet find myself doubting those decisions later. I put my expectations in people, in circumstances being just how I planned out in my head, and find myself angry and torn apart inside.

   This past week and a half have been the hardest for me in a long time. I feel like I have been functioning on just above empty. Like there is nothing left to give to anybody, or anything. Today I worked a 12 hour day, I got home and all I wanted to do was take a shower and pass out in bed, yet my head is spinning a million miles an hour. It hasn't taken much to put me in tears the past couple of weeks either. Little things like songs on the radio, going certain places, or the date on the calendar have pushed me to the brink.

   In church we have been doing on a new series called "How To Be Alone And Miserable For The Rest Of Your Life" and it's been on different things that cause us to be without relationship. The first week was on bitterness, last week was selfishness, yesterday was on the power of our words. All 3 have hit home in hard ways and dredged up things that I wish I could go back and change. Am I supposed to let them go? Or am I supposed to go back and try to fix them?

   The only way to fix anything is to change myself first, and it has to be from the inside out. It has to be a God motivated heart change, nothing else will stick.

 If I had a dime
For half the things I did
That didn’t make no sense at all
I’d be living a little higher on the hog
If only I’d of known
That later on down the road
I’d look back and not like what I see
I’d of changed a lot of things
Startin’ with me

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