Tuesday, December 20, 2011

If Your Waitin' For Love...

If your waitin' for love, well it's a promise I'll keep, if you don't mind believing that it changes everything, time will never matter.

One of the words I have the hardest time with is "wait", I would much rather hear a solid "yes" or solid "no", "wait" requires patience and perseverance, I can't move forward in any direction. One of the areas that I am deeply struggling right now is waiting for love. I'm gonna give a minute of "back history" before I explain.

Many of you have asked the story of me and Shane, and here is the reader's digest condensed version. Shane and I have been friends since we were 10 and 12. We met at Fox Hollow Farm where I first learned how to ride horses and at the time Shane was working there. At the time we were in the same 4-H group and our homes were only a couple of miles apart so we would she each other here and there at 4-H events and the occasional homeschool get together. We lost touch for a couple of years until I was about 16 or so, and then I ran into Shane and his brother working at our local grocery store. Every day from that point until they left for college that fall I would see Shane in P&C when I stopped for my chocolate milk fix on my way home from work, we'd talk for a couple of minutes and then I'd go on my way. After he left for school I received a letter from him asking if it was ok to write me, I said sure (and yes I still have all of his letters). We wrote back and forth for the semester and then saw each other again when he came home, and he decided not to go back to that school. Through the months he was home it wasn't always easy, but we remained friends. In 2007 I moved to FL, we kept in touch, but after a time we parted ways for about 6 months. In the fall of 2008 we started talking again and I went to Miracle Mountain Ranch for the apprentice program. In January of 2009 the subject of courtship/dating was approached, but there wasn't a peace about it, so we took a step back for another while. In the fall of 2009 we were talking again (seeing a pattern here?), and into 2010 as friends. In the fall of 2010 I had a different "romantic interest" when Shane wanted to approach the topic of dating again. Once again we parted ways for a while. Then, once again, this past spring we started talking again. We both knew we would be seeing each other at my brother's wedding in September, so we needed to know where we stood. As the fall drew closer we approached some tough topics that we had disagreements on, and many many hard conversations ensued as we both wanted to move forward, but didn't see a way with us having different beliefs. When I got to NY for the wedding Shane came and picked me up for a day out on the town that both of us greatly enjoyed. We hadn't seen each other in 3 very long years, so a day together was very special. Unfortunately with all the wedding stuff going on we didn't get an opportunity to discuss the "elephant in the room", which made parting that night rather difficult, but I knew I would see him in 2 days at the wedding. We sat together at the wedding, but again we couldn't talk with all the distractions. When he left that night it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest because I didn't know when I would see him again and having un-resolved issues between us was more than miserable. The following week I was at MMR to visit, and that Saturday we were out at the woodpile for the first wood bee of the year (one of my favorite activities!). I was running a stacking crew and my phone went off with a text from Shane saying he was there and looking for me. I've never bailed off the woodpile so fast in my life! I showed him around the ranch and then we sat in the mess hall and talked for about 3 hours. In that time we worked out our "issues" with each other and decided to give this a go. He called my dad the following week and we have been dating ever since :) I was blessed by a surprise 3 week visit from Shane back at the beginning of November. He has applied for jobs out here and is hoping to move out here sometime soon, but for now he is back at home in NY, which is where I was headed with this post.

For both of us the struggle with waiting for God to bring us both to the same place has been very hard. After the ups and downs, proving and strengthening of our friendship and being apart for so many years we both just want to be together, at least in the same state would be nice! But for the moment God just keeps saying "wait". So we are waiting, or trying to at least.

On a personal level (ie: just me), I am waiting with work, waiting with what to do with Shane, waiting to buy a car, waiting for my life to feel like it is going somewhere. Last night I was talking with Shane and described my currents feelings like "I'm running on a treadmill, getting all sweaty and tired, but not really going anywhere.". I want to be financially independent, I want to be able to see Shane any day I want without having to fly across the country etc.

The ironic part is that just a week ago I taught on "Godliness with Contentment" (1 Tim 6:6-8) at Bible study. Looking back through my notes today I was struck by Philippians 4:11-13 "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." In EVERY circumstance, whether in plenty, or in little, I can be content, because I don't gain my power from within my human self, but from my Heavenly Father who breathed the stars into existence and holds the universe in the palms of His hands. The same God who came to earth and died on the cross out of His love for me, and cares about everything that happens in my life, is the God that controls when things do and don't happen. So when He says "wait" my answer shouldn't be "how long?" or "why?", but "yes Lord, and how can I serve you better where I am at right now?". The feeling of running on a treadmill may be true, but instead of focusing on the sweat and pain my focus should be on the strength I am gaining for when He says "now you can go".

Here are the rest of the lyrics from "Sunny Days" by Jars of Clay

Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day

So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway

So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside

So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat

It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

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