Through All These Cities And All These Towns...

It seems like every time I feel settled somewhere it is time to move again. As I sit here too write and process what has happened over the past couple of weeks my room is full of rubbermaid bins that are in some stage of being packed once again. It hasn't sunk in yet that I am really moving again. 5 moves, 5 states, in 7.5 years.

A little back history: I have been job hunting for I don't know how long, and have put in over 70 inquiries or applications in 7 states. Over the past couple of weeks I had a series of interviews and working interviews at several places: A dog kennel, an after hours animal er clinic, and lastly a small animal clinic in Oregon. The original job posting for the Oregon clinic was for a receptionist, so I applied to it as a foot in the door type job and didn't think much of it past that. The Animal ER was the job I wanted at the time, and that interview had gone very well. The day I received an offer from the ER, and was about to accept the offer, Blue Sky called from Oregon with a new offer for a full time technician with higher pay and benefits than the ER. They wanted me to come in for an interview the following Monday (mind you this was Thursday afternoon, November 6th). When they had called 2 weeks previous I was just going in for surgery to get my wisdom tooth pulled, but we had discussed me going up on the 10th to interview for the receptionist position... after receiving the offer from the ER I had planned on turning down the interview, until they called and said they needed a technician as well. While on the phone with the office manager she mentioned my previous working with Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and that it really caught her attention because there are several Christians on staff. During my interview we even talked about what church she and her husband attend in Bend, it was really cool. So, long story shortened, I drove to Bend on Saturday the 8th, interviewed the 10th, accepted their offer on the 12th, and my first day of work is December 1st.

I leave to spend Thanksgiving in Reno with Aaron and his family a week from today, we will be swinging back through Utah on our way back to Oregon to pick up my stuff, so I have a week from now to get packed. The last couple of weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. Excited about the new job, crying to be leaving my family, pumped up about getting to learn a new town, sad because here finally feels like home, thrilled to be moving to the same town as Aaron and his family, crying because I am leaving my friends... etc etc etc. Over this time God has given me several passages that I have found rest and security in, even through the tears (heck I am crying as I write this).

Back on the 4th, so days before I heard from Blue Sky, I read a quote a mentor of mine shared that said "Passion gives focus - An understanding of your purpose and mission." and it has helped with sorting through these decisions. My primary passion is to honor God, followed by my passion for the people in my life, then my career. Taking the job at the Animal ER I would have been working nights and basically have had very little interaction with those around me, and especially Aaron, and it had the potential to cause separation in relationships instead of promoting healthy relationships with my family and friends. The position at Blue Sky I will be working days, be able to have a "normal" dating relationship with Aaron, and still be able to talk to my family and friends regularly. On the same day I was contemplating that quote I found myself reading in 1 Peter 5:6-10, "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on alert. Your adversary the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." Looking at this move I can say that God has prepared (perfected) me for the responsibility of living on my own and taking care of my own place, as well as prepared my heart to put my all into this new job, even though it is small animal instead of equine. He confirmed it in my heart through His word and through the testimony of many others. I can't even number the people who have contacted me saying they are praying and that this is where God wants me to go. Right now I know it is His strength and not mine that is keeping my feet moving, there are points in the packing process that I just want to curl up and cry because moving away from home is just plain hard. His strength will carry me through this transition over the next weeks and months, and His promise to establish me where I am headed is a light at the end of this job search tunnel that has taken almost 18 months.

As I opened my journal this morning I was greeted by Psalms 128:1-2 at the top of the page, "How happy is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in His ways! You will surely eat what your hands have worked for. You will be happy, and it will go well for you." It brought tears afresh this morning, but not tears of grief over leaving, but tears of peace and joy that I can stand on His promises.

Time to dig into the packing... I wish I had a magic wand so my stuff would pack itself! After so many moves I can almost do this in my sleep... There is more road ahead, another city, another place to honor God and impact lives for Christ. Bring it on!

Indescribable...

So, tonight I had a "God moment" in the bathroom at Chik-Fil-A... but before I get there let me fill you in a little.

Over the last couple of months I have been back on the job search trail. Somewhere around 75 resumes cold sent or applications filled out to date, 7 or 8 interviews, several simple "not hiring" responses, hours and hours of work put in so far. The interview that stands out the most is a phone interview with Oregon State University about a month ago. It is the first time I interviewed with a university teaching hospital and was very excited about the prospect of being able to work in a university environment. This morning I got my official "we didn't choose you" email from Oregon State just hours after getting home from a working interview at a doggie daycare for a kennel worker style position. The feeling of being insufficient to work in my field and only be able to work in a boarding/daycare facility had me very down. If you ever want to feel depressed try to find a job in a limited field, it will do it to you in a hurry.

So, with that history from this morning... this afternoon my dad got home from work and mentioned going to go look at a snowmobile trailer and asked if I wanted to go along. I jumped on the opportunity to get out of the house and we hopped in my truck and headed the 1 hour drive south to look at (and subsequently buy) the trailer. On the way home dad had the idea to stop at Chik-Fil-A for dinner. I was game since it was almost 7:00 and we hadn't eaten before we left. Once at Chik-Fil-A I ordered my dinner (with a sweet tea of course!) and went to use the restroom. While in the restroom I noticed the music playing in the restaurant and paused to listen, it was an instrumental version on Chris Tomlin's song "Indescribable". As I stood there I sang along in my head and just began to cry. Tears of surrender, peace, and just brokenness before God, right there in the Chik-Fil-A bathroom.

The God that placed the stars in the sky, and created this world that proclaims His glory, that He cares for even the smallest of creatures, is in control of my life. I am not insignificant in His eyes, and He in His indescribable love and power and authority, knows every detail of what my story is, and loves me even though He knows the darkest corners of my heart. He loves me even when I doubt Him, and worry instead, and when I feel worthless, even though He died for me! Wow!

God moments can happen anywhere... even in a Chik-Fil-A bathroom.

All I Have is What God Gives...

At My First FCA Promotional Event in April

Dear Friends and Family,

Many changes have happened at Utah FCA this summer, and I am writing to update you on the situation.

From our director:

“I am announcing my resignation as FCA Utah Director effective August 2014. The last two years of ministry have been very successful in helping athletes and coaches pursue God in Utah. However, as the ministry side has grown, it has been challenging raising funds and therefore I am stepping down as director. I would hope and pray that you’re financial support would continue, so we can continue the work we have started. I pray that Utah FCA and God’s Kingdom will move forward.”
Blessings, Bill Schorr

As for myself, after several weeks of prayer and seeking the counsel of others I am writing to announce my intention to resign from the position of Utah Field Staff. As I wrestled with this decision the Lord placed Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 " There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." upon my heart. With much prayer, thought, and Godly counsel I was still unsure as to which season I was supposed to be in in my life; whether to continue on, or to step into a new season. Today He gave me an answer through Psalms 117:1 "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain that build it; Unless the Lord guards the city, the watchmen keep awake in vain.". I can't force FCA to flourish here, I can't force the support to come in or for the people to appear to sponsor huddles, and I can't argue with God about staying on staff.

I feel it is important for you to know that I had been wrestling with this decision before Bill had even mentioned the possibility of his resignation. I do not see my leaving as "throwing in the towel" or giving up, but following God's leading into the many changes that have happened in my life this summer. I have been blessed to be a part of the ministry for the short time I was able, and I will continue to support the vision and mission of FCA not only as a community member, but an athlete myself.

Thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, and financial support over these last several months. I ask for your continued prayer as I step into whatever God has in store for me next.

Time Is Ticking Away...

4 years, 4 years of what you may ask, 4 years of being a resident of Utah. So far nothing outside of simply living in the same state has lasted that long. 3 houses, 3 jobs, friends have come and gone, and so far the only thing that has remained the same is that I am still here. When I stepped off the plane shortly before midnight on August 13th 2010 I had no idea what my future would hold, and as I sit here now I face the same dilemma. The only thing I know is happening 100% is my next race in September, but even now my ankle is wrapped in tape and buried under a bag of ice.

Today it has been easy for me to feel like a failure, a failure at my sport, a failure at my career, a failure as a daughter, a failure as a girlfriend, just generally feel like I am not good at anything today. After over a year of basically being unemployed, minus odd jobs and the few hours I have the support to work for FCA, I am facing the decision of applying for part time jobs at places like Applebee's or the local ranch supply store. With the dedication and hard work I have always put into my career that feels like a huge failure to me, even though it may be just for a time until a position opens up somewhere. I feel like I have failed my parents as a daughter due to some poor decisions and there are days I would rather be anywhere else other than home, and many nights I cry myself to sleep. I feel like I have been a terrible girlfriend, the stress of everything else going on has had my emotions running high without much left to give on some days, but I couldn't be more thankful for the young man I'm dating. Even on my most miserable days he has been nothing short of loving and supportive.

Sitting here, right now, it would be so easy to just tell myself I don't care anymore and do whatever felt good. There have been days I have wanted to just pack my truck and leave to get away from it all, just start somewhere new. But, I know that running away from problems doesn't fix anything.

At FCA Sports Camp back in June the week's topic was being All In and centered around Colossians 3:17 "Whatever you do in word or deed, do ALL IN the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father." During staff training one of the huddle leader coordinators shared a list of how God sees us, instead of how man sees us or how the devil wants us to see ourselves.

I Am:

Beloved: Jeremiah 31:3

Child Of God: 1 John 3:1

Delighted In: Zephaniah 3:17

Forgiven: 1 Peter 2:24

Washed Clean: Isaiah 1:18

Free: Galatians 5:1

Co-Heirs With Christ: Romans 8:17

Righteous: 2 Corinthians 5:21

New: 2 Corinthians 5:17

Set Apart: 1 Peter 2:9

Saints: 1 Corinthians 6:11

Masterpiece: Ephesians 2:10

Wonderfully Made: Psalms 139:14

Bold: 2 Corinthians 3:12

Whole: Colossians 2:10

Without these truths I couldn't ever be All In, I wouldn't be able to because it would be of my own strength and power. But, even when I feel like a rotten miserable failure, God's word is there to remind me that I am so much more than that in His eyes. I still don't know what tomorrow may bring, and I'm sure I will have plenty of days where I feel like I can't do a darn thing right, but as long as I can keep my life in His perspective it will all be ok. My time here in Utah may be limited, I don't know where I will end up next, so for the meantime I am going to do my best to be All In here, and wherever you are in life right now be all there.

The Bear Necessities, The Simple Bare Necessities...

Proverbs 30:8-9 "Keep deception and lies far from me, give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is my portion, that I may not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the Lord?" Or that I not be in want and steal, and profane the name of my God."

This verse has been on my mind a lot lately. I've been on staff with Utah Fellowship of Christian Athletes since April 1st, and it has been quite a transition to working for a non-profit organization.  

This year we are celebrating our 60th anniversary as an association. We have an active chapter in every state in the USA as well as 11 different countries. Even with how well the organization has been established we have only had a chapter in Utah for a year and a half. Utah's population is less than 4% Bible believing Christians with the predominating religion being Mormon (LDS). In the year and a half we have had 47 athletes and 2 coaches come to Christ through our huddles at the 3 major northern Utah universities and our brand new regional Highschool and Jr high huddle.
 
Through God's leading I came on staff with FCA Utah back in April. My job is a combination of Field Staff and Marketing and Communications. Right now our staff as a state consists of me and our state director. As Field Staff I am over our Northern Utah region of over 30 high schools and Jr highs. We are currently doing a regional huddle with these athletes every couple of weeks so that I can train them how to run a huddle and help them through the process of finding campus sponsors and getting started at their schools.

One of our biggest struggles as a state chapter is that there are so few Christians in this state, and that every nonprofit is trying to pull from the same group of people. FCA is a 501(c)3 so all of our funding is mission support based. As a state we are only around 77% and my personal support is only sitting around 23%. My personal support covers: my salary, my travel to and from schools, Bibles and resources for the huddles, as well as misc expenses. It's like running your own small business basically, and I can't work beyond what I have in the account.

So right now we are trying to get the word out to people about the situation here in Utah. Right now I'm facing the decision of having to get my support to 50% or better or I can't continue to stay on staff because I can't even put gas in my car. God is moving here in Utah, but without the support of other Christians the workers will remain few.

As we work through the process of trying to raise funds for the ministry of FCA and "Impacting the world for Christ through the influence of coaches and athletes." the verse above has been my prayer. Many nights have been spent in tears of frustration over finances and the desires in my heart to be financially independent and able to support myself. At the risk of sounding desperate I ask you to please pray about financially supporting the ministry of Fellowship of Christian Athletes. You can find more information on our state Donate page and more information about FCA in general at FCA.org.

Learn How To Climb...

    N.O. Limits, on first glance it looks like "NO Limits" not abbreviated "North Ogden Limits". For me this start line means a lot of things. The first time I crossed this start line was April 27th 2013, it was my first 5k, I had been running just a month. Coming into the finish line I was glad I survived, much less made the podium!
    Now it has been almost a year and this start line means many more things to me. Now I see it more as "NO Limits", because this year, on May 3rd, I am running the Half Marathon. Now, I've run a half marathon already, so the distance isn't necessarily the milestone, but what it has taken to train for this one. The route for this race is full of massive hills, over 500ft uphill climb between kilometer 2 and kilometer 7, 4.5 miles of rocky trails. When I first signed up for this race all my friends, runners and non-runners, told me I was crazy because of the route difficulty, and at the time I agreed! I simply wanted to do it as a milestone of having been racing a year. I have been working on running hills once a week every week since the beginning of February, and after 10 weeks of training I have learned not only new things about running and training, but new things about myself.
     1) Hills are HARD! The first week I stared up the "one mile hill" that is only 2.5km into the race route I thought I was gonna die. Heading up the hill, gaining about 250ft in elevation, I had to walk several times. That day was just a short 8k, so when I got to the top I turned around and ran back down it as I headed back to the car. That day almost did me in mentally, I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't realize how hard.
    2) Hills get EASIER with consistent practice. After two weeks of going to run parts of the route (adding a km in length each week) I made it up the first hill without walking! It wasn't anything fast, but I did it!
    3) Unexpected hills can be demoralizing. About 5 weeks in I switched from out and backs to loops since my distance was getting long enough to allow it. The first week I did a loop I made it up the first hill strong, headed past where I normally turn around, and was suddenly faced with a second HUGE uphill (another 250ft climb) that I wasn't ready for. It zapped me mentally, which killed my run.
    4) Knowing what's coming and being prepared for it is the best way to handle hills. After the demoralizing week I knew what was ahead and started carrying extra GU gel, water, and mentally knew what I was facing, and it has gotten way easier.
    5) Consistent work and preparation take you from not being able to go up 1 hill, to being able to handle a course with several massive hills. This route has 3, and after today I can say I am prepared for them.

Now, I've learned a lot about training and running and getting stronger on my runs, but it also has taught me a lot about handling the hard stuff in life. "Hills" in life usually are some form of trial, but can also be something as simple as allowing myself to fall into a trap of not hearing God's voice and listening to Satan's lies. Just as I have to have discipline in my running to handle hills on a route, I also have to have discipline in my personal life to handle the trials that come.

Running - - - - - Life

Eat Healthy - - - Don't listen to or watch junk

Get Coaching - - Spend time in the presence of God and Godly people

Practice - - - - - Memorize scripture

Don't Let The Bad Runs Keep You Down - - - I have bad days, days that life gets to me, but they can't keep me down. Getting back up is the important part.

Rest Well - - - Take time when I need it to get away from life and recharge spiritually and emotionally

Be Consistent - - - Little pieces of time with God on a consistent basis keep life more stable than just mega-dosing in a crisis.

So, after 10 weeks of training, only 2.5 weeks from today is race day, N.O. Limits has really come to mean "NO Limits" for me. Not only can I do things physically I never thought, but with a right relationship with God there are no limits to how He can use my life.

Hebrews 12:1-3 "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Here Am I Lord, Send Me...

         April first, for most it is a day of practical jokes and picking fun at one another, but for myself it signifies so much more. As I was sitting on the family room floor on March 31^st, my 25^th birthday, I was doing my devotions and reflecting on the past couple of years and came to reflect on the last few birthdays. Every birthday for the last 3 years God has done something huge in my personal life. Each one leading up to this year, and it is so incredible to look back on how He has brought me to this point. For my 23^rd birthday I started a new job at an equine veterinary clinic doing what I had gone to college for and doing something I really loved. For my 24^th birthday, just a year ago, I decided to start running. To most that might not seem like much, but in July of last year I lost my job at the vet clinic, and God used running as my time alone with him away from the frustrations of dealing with being unemployed.

            Through those months of running and struggling with questioning God and asking him “why?” I learned how truly powerful it is to be able to share Christ through the avenue of sports. Last fall God taught me many things about perseverance, discipline, diligence, and dedication through my running. I would run every morning and then come home and do job applications, day in and day out. I applied for jobs all over the country, over 3 dozen applications in 15 states. As each positive response came I would pray over each job, and every time I just didn’t have a peace about taking offers that I would have otherwise jumped on. After several months of this process I came to the conclusion that God wanted me to stay here in Utah. I couldn’t explain why, I had what appeared to be no leads here, but it was the only place I had a peace.

Throughout last year I had kept up with what was going on with Utah Fellowship of Christian Athletes and when I attended the President’s Reception in November the pieces started to come together. I had the pleasure of sitting with the State Director and his wife as well as the Regional Director and after several athletes and coaches spoke and the directors gave the vision for the next year of FCA here in Utah I had a peace and excitement I could not explain. Bill Schorr, our State Director, sat back down at the end and he looked at me and all he had to say was “You ready?” and I didn’t even have to think twice, my immediate answer was “Yes”. After several months of prayer and training at the beginning of this year April first was my official start date of coming on staff with Utah FCA.

This is a huge leap of faith, we are non-profit, so all of my expenses and salary must be raised. But God is moving in so many ways. In a population of 3.9 million only 3%(ish) are Bible believing Christians. FCA launched chapters in foreign countries before coming to Utah because of how hard it is here. But, in Utah FCA’s first year (Jan 2013 – current) we have seen 46 athletes and 2 coaches accept Christ. My primary responsibility is going to be our highschool and junior high campus ministry. In the last month we have begun compiling a group of high school and junior high athletes from over a dozen schools across the area to start a Northern Utah huddle over the summer. The goal of the huddle is to lead and train these athletes to use their platforms of sport for God’s glory through FCA. Teaching them the ins and outs of FCA and Gods word, we will also prepare them to run huddles at their own schools starting this fall.  I will assist their leadership teams along the way. We also want to send 30 plus athletes to camp in Idaho this summer.

But none of this can happen without the financial support. We provide each huddle with Bible’s designed for athletes. These Bibles are full of devotions geared directly towards their needs and they use sports terms in the devotions and studies that the athletes can relate with. Not only are our supplies provided through your generous support, but so is the pay of all of our staff. If I don’t raise my support I don’t get paid and I don’t have money in the account to drive to the schools to work with the athletes. I’m asking you to pray about financially supporting the ministry of sharing Christ through sports. The harvest is ready here in Utah, but the workers are few. If you feel led to support this ministry you can by clicking this link.

If you have any questions you can contact me at 585-455-8107 or kgoers@fca.org.

Dare You To Move...

This past month God has been working in my heart on what it means to truly be who He made me to be outside of the constraints of others' judgements and expectations. As part of this heart lesson I've been reading "It's Your Call" by Gary Barkalow and I encourage you to give it a read. Through studying and praying and listening to God speak in my heart it has freed me from the pressure of doing things just because it is what culture calls "normal" or expected behavior. So many people live their lives like they are writing a resume, only doing things that will advance their career or look good on paper to fulfill today's expectations, and so many find emptiness in doing just that. I have found myself in that trap in the past, feeling very pressured to do what is expected, but at the same time I am blessed to have grown up with parents who showed me how to take a step of faith, even when it doesn't make sense to those around them. It has been in those times, in those moments, that God has worked in my heart the most.

Back in 2008 I made the decision to quit a job that was perfect for my career field and future to attend Miracle Mountain Ranch Missions School Of Discipleship (formerly titled Camp Apprentice Ministry Program). This decision made very little sense to my business minded friends and relatives. Why would I quit a good paying job that I loved to pay tuition to go work and take classes for a year or two? I couldn't explain it other than that I felt it was where God wanted me to go, I had wanted to be an apprentice since I was 14 years old. After two years in the program and all the experiences I gained and the trails I faced I graduated a very different young woman (just ask my family). I wouldn't trade those two years for all the money I could have made if I had stayed working. The character I gained, the true heart passions I came to realize, and the perspective on life I graduated with are a large part of the person I am today.

It has been almost 4 years since I came to Utah (yet another step of faith) and right now I'm facing some similar decisions. God has opened a door for me to step into a ministry position and I have been praying and searching through what it is He has for me. To most of my peers it doesn't make sense for me to step into a job where I have to raise missions support instead of make a salary. There have been questions posed like: "How will you pay the bills?", "Does that mean you'll be begging for money off your friends?", "How will you afford to have fun anymore?". All I can answer is that I have confidence that the Lord provides for those who follow His lead. Here are some of the verses He has laid on my heart over the past month.

Psalms 23:1 - "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."

Proverbs 23:4-5 - "Do not weary yourself to gain wealth, cease from your consideration of it. When you set your eyes on it, it is gone. For wealth certainly takes wings and flies toward the heavens."

Proverbs 21:1-2, 5, 31 - "The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He wishes. Every man's way is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the hearts. The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage, but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty. The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but victory belongs to the Lord."

Psalms 37:23-25 - "If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds his with his hand. I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread."

There are many critics when any person makes a decision to do anything that doesn't seem like "the norm", but that shouldn't keep us from being who God made us to be. We wouldn't be the body of Christ if we were all the same.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes up short again and again; because there is no effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat." ~ Theodore Roosevelt

So... I dare you to move

Remember When...

While doing my reading this morning I was reminded of something I wrote in a post several months back, and after looking up said post I ended up spending the next hour or so skimming back through the 3 years of this blog's existence. I first started sharing my adventures and my journey through life when I got to Utah in 2010, and a LOT has happened in those 3 years. 2 jobs, 2 boyfriends, 3 houses, 2 married siblings, 1 niece, 2 nephews, and many lessons learned along the way. As I adventured through my own past I was reminded of the story of the nation of Israel when they crossed the Jordan river in Joshua chapter four. God commanded Joshua to have a member from each tribe pick up a stone from the center of the riverbed and to set them up in a memorial on the other side. This was to be done so that when asked of their significance they could explain the story of God's faithfulness for generations to come. In some ways this blog serves as my "memorial stones" in my life. Looking back over where I started when I got here, the seasons He has brought my life through, to where I am now, tears of joy and gratefulness in God's never ending faithfulness and mercy and grace flow anew. Here are a few lessons I have been reminded of today as I walked down memory lane. If you want to see the original post I have linked each one.
Remembering to have faith like a child.
                           Learning to embrace the new instead of wasting all of my energy missing the old.
 Being willing to open my heart and my home, because whatever we do for the least of these we do for Him.
                                  That life is short and challenged about glorifying God with my time here.
Of the place of influence God has put me in as a woman.
               How who I am and how He created me has me right where He wants me, even if I'm "not normal".
Many lessons of learning what God wants me to do, and doing it.
                                     Above everything else is that God really is faithful beyond a shadow of a doubt.

All of that said I feel rejuvenated as write this, encouraged, refreshed, and so very glad God laid it on my heart those years ago to write and share my journey. Here is to the future, wherever it may lead.

I Can Be Your Friend La La La

For some reason the sermons at church the past few weeks have inspired many a Veggie Tales tune in my head, from french peas singing and throwing slushies off the wall at Jericho to Moses talking to the burning bush. So, naturally, as I was sitting here thinking this morning another tune sung by my favorite childhood vegetables came to mind.

Even in how busy I've been working with all of the singles at church and amongst other friends God has been working in my life on where my security lies. As I was sitting here this morning a conversation I overheard way back at my first year apprentice graduation came to mind. We were spreading sawdust in the barn the day before and a friend made a comment about how she doesn't fit in a box, and as the ranch director walked by he said that if she got back in the box more often she'd have more friends. What stuck in my mind is that yes, if we fit in a specific box we may have more friends who are all in the same box, but then what influence would we have for Christ if we were all in the same place? What about the misfits? Or the people in other boxes? This has been heavy on my heart the past week as I've struggled with feeling like I'm in a lot of people's back pocket for when they need something, but not a choice for social stuff and fun stuff. A lot of times it feels like if I want to be a part then it has to be my idea or my sister's idea. Even as tears flow anew this morning I know it's OK. In the words of one of my mentors, "God sets apart those He wants to use greatly." It is a blessing in disguise to not fit in a box, because it allows me to interact with a broader range of people.

Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus...

Life is full of surprises, but none of them surprise God, He knows everything that life can throw at us. In the last couple of weeks He has been speaking to me about where I am supposed to go next in my life. Some of you will be thrilled, and some bummed, to know that I will be staying in Utah for the foreseeable future.

The journey began here:
Proverbs 25:2 "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings is to search out a matter."
   - Do the digging
   - Jeremiah 29:11-13 "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare   and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."

The Order:
Psalms 37:3-6 "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your judgement as the noonday."

The Promise:
Psalms 37:23-26 "The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in His way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the one who holds his hand. I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread. All day long he is gracious and lends, and his descendants are a blessing."

So, I stay. For what purpose, I'm not sure. But I know He is faithful and if I pursue Him and His purposes for me first He will give me the desire of my heart, because my desires will be rooted in His.

Faithfulness None Can Deny...

Whom shall I fear? There is no one who can affect me outside of my Father’s will. Whom shall I dread? There is no one who can hurt me without my Father’s permission.

My enemies stumble and fall, a thousand fall at my side and ten thousand at my right hand, but it will not approach me. I shall be confident in the goodness of God and wait for His leading. Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. This means I must be moving forward and doing the work in my Father’s battlefields or else I wouldn’t be losing strength in the first place. By the power of God I can run upon a troop and leap over a wall. He makes my feet like hinds feet and sets me upon the high places. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of sound mind.

It is by my deeds that I distinguish myself, if my actions are pure and right. Whatever I do, I am to do it to the glory of God. Even in my youth I am to be an example to those around me because I am not in this battle alone. I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, so I must lay aside every encumbrance and run with endurance. Those around me will see a difference because I will conduct myself in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. I am called to carry other’s burdens when one is fallen or injured, but they are also there for me if I will humble myself and accept it. As a servant of God I am to do nothing out of selfish ambition, but to have the same mindset of Christ in serving others. I no longer need to act as a selfish child because when I became a man I put away childish things. I have the capacity to love and give as Christ did, even if it means being injured myself. If I keep my eyes on Jesus I will not grow weary or lose heart as I look out for the interests of others.

  Unless even a corn of wheat falls into the ground and dies it is fruitless, but when I die to myself and give up my life for Christ I will bear much fruit. I will suffer at my post for a little while, but my God, who called me to Himself, will confirm, strengthen, and establish me. He will mend that which was broken. This doesn’t mean I will get a break, but that He will replenish my strength as I go and as necessary. I don’t need to be anxious for anything, but to ask with a spirit of thanksgiving and He will bring me peace. My faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen. If I lack wisdom all I need to do is ask in faith and it will be given to me. For every good gift and every perfect gift comes from God. He will pour out of me even when I feel completely empty as long as I am willing to rest in His power and NOT my own.

 

Psalms 27:1-3, 13, 14

1 Corinthians 13:11
Psalms 18                            

Proverbs 20:11

1 Peter 5:10

1 Tim 4:12

2 Timothy 1:6-7
John 12:24   

1 Corinthians 10:31

Psalms 91                           

Philippians 2:4-5

Philippians 1:27-30                       

Philippians 4:6-7

Hebrews 1:12

Galatians 6:2

Hebrews 11:1

Isaiah 40:29-31            

James 1:5-6

1 Corinthians 8:12-13                                 

1 Peter 5:10                      

2 Corinthians 10:4

James 1:17

Life Is Not What I Thought It Was...

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

    Change, lots of change, can happen in a very short amount of time. Such has been the story of my life over the last 6 years. "Life Is A Highway" by Rascal Flatts has been my theme song as I've moved from state to state as God has lead me different places. In 24 hours it will be my third anniversary of living in this beautiful state of Utah. In that time I have fallen in love with where I live, made friends, learned the fun things to do, the hole in the wall places to go, and it has started to really feel like home. But in 48 hours that could all change.

    A couple of weeks ago I lost my job due to some complicated circumstances at work. That being said, the last few weeks have been a roller coaster of trying to figure out where I am going and what I'm doing. Job application after job application in a scatter gun effect from coast to coast. The feeling of who I was being torn away, of meeting new people and having no answer when they asked what I do for a living. The repetitive motions of getting up and going for my run and then coming home to sit at the computer all day and do more applications and more searches without knowing where I'm supposed to go next. Today I described it to a friend as feeling like the compass from Pirates of the Caribbean when they didn't know what they wanted and it would just spin in circles. Through those days Psalms 23 has been at the forefront of my mind; "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still waters, He restores my soul." Even without a job I have not been left wanting, I am blessed to have parents who taught me to be responsible with my money so bills have been easily covered, and living under their roof I've had food and shelter, there isn't any more I could ask for right now. The part of the verse that has stood out to me the most though is "He makes me lie down in green pastures". It isn't "He suggests I rest" or "He allows me to rest" it is "He makes me rest". Coming through the spring as a vet tech I was running thin and weary and not only were my relationships with family and friends suffering, but also my relationship with God. The forced rest of not having a job has allowed me to rejuvenate my spiritual life as well as invest more in my social life, not to mention the physical relief of not working crazy hours.

    I say all of that to ask for your prayers as some big things lie in the next couple of days. Things that could bring another drastic change into my life, one that I'm not sure if I'm ready for yet. Today I got my first call on an application I put in last week to set up a phone interview for Wednesday afternoon. The interview is for a position in Mississippi State University's College of Veterinary Medicine Teaching Hospital in their equine department. It would be a major step forward in my career as well as put me geographically closer to a ministry that God has laid on my heart ever since I left there to move to Utah 3 years ago.

    I have no idea what may happen in the next few days, but one thing I have been learning is the importance of praising God in every step of the process. He knows what He is doing, and for that I am very grateful.

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

You Get Used To Somebody...

... You get used to being loved.

Yesterday I got slammed with a feeling I hadn't dealt with in a long time, the feeling of extreme loneliness. The feeling of being completely lost in a sea of thousands that don't care if I do or don't exist. Is it true? No. I'm surrounded by family that loves me and includes me. For some reason the lurking feeling of being lost in the sauce because I'm not on a man's arm overtook me at the concert and fireworks show. Went from enjoying time with my family to suddenly feeling like a 5th wheel. In my head I could justify a million things to blame it on, feeling swamped in memories I had a plethora of excuses. The real lesson amidst the smoke is learning to wait patiently and apply the same discipline I do to my running to the rest of my life.

Now don't get me wrong, I know God is in control etc. Jeremiah 29:11 puts it this way, "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." If this was simply a lesson of intellect, of the mind, I would have it down by now, but it isn't, it is a lesson of the heart. Since it isn't something that fits neatly in a box in my mind it has aspects that touch a multitude of parts of my life right now. Rejoicing with friends as they get engaged and married, giving and serving when it feels like it goes unnoticed, having the discipline to sit at Jesus' feet and wait (I'm not good at sitting, or waiting for that matter). The last one is the biggest it seems. It is extremely tempting to just be the rebel my flesh wants me to be, to just give in to things that are less than ideal because they are immediate, instead of waiting and being on my own for a while longer. It isn't for lack of knowing there is someone out there, for a while it has felt like I've caught a glimpse here or there, but yet God has kept it just out of reach, and for that I am thankful. Just like in healing from my latest running injury I am still healing from my last relationship and in that time other muscles are being worked, parts of my life and relationship with Christ are being strengthened and stretched. Now that doesn't mean I necessarily like the idea, but I wouldn't trade the outcome for the world. 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 sums it up nicely, "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but  I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified."

"Teach me the struggle of the soul to bear,

to check the rising doubt, the rebel sigh;

teach me the patience of unanswered prayer."

It's A New Day Dawning...

     "Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most."

 As I sit here tonight this line just keeps repeating through my head. I saw it on a running website and it has somehow shaken everything up everything I do. Somehow it has made me question every decision, every word that comes out of my mouth, and it has left me feeling quite unsettled about many things.

I have questioned my definition of virtue. I have questioned what I want in a man. I have questioned my discipline in my finances, my discipline in my relationship with God. I have found myself wrestling with James 1:5-8, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." In the mud and confusion of what is right and what I really do or don't want I feel like the double minded man. The person who wants one thing and yet my actions don't follow through more than 50% of the time.

I don't want to be double minded, I don't want to "Know what is right and not do it" like it says in James 4:17. The man who knows what is right and doesn't do it, to him it is sin. If what is right is what comes from God (James 1:16-17 "Do not be deceived my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift cometh down from the father of lights, with whom there is no variance nor shadow of turning.") then that is what I want to pursue. Yet I keep finding myself distracted by the mediocre in the present instead of staying focused on the excellent in the future.

Right now I just continue to thank God for His brand new mercies every morning. Working on making decisions is a lot like running, the hardest step is the first, and it isn't the first on just the first day, but the first step every single day.

Could I Make That Sacrifice?

These past few weeks God has been working on my heart and showing me how much He loves me through the lessons of what true love really looks like and what it really requires. Now I know it has been quite a while since I wrote last, so let me start somewhere towards the beginning.

Back in October I met a young man at Bible study by the name of Evan. For the next few weeks we got to know each other through church, Bible study and game nights and friends’ houses. Through a series of events around Thanksgiving time we both came to the realization that there was mutual interest and on Thanksgiving Day he asked me to be his girl. Over the past few months we have done the normal things dating couples do, gone to movies, out to dinner, hung out with friends, ya know, the normal dating stuff, but that all suddenly changed a couple of weeks ago.

On Sunday February 3^rd he started to break out in a miserable rash and by Tuesday night he was running a high fever. After two days of him getting progressively worse I took him into the Emergency Room. After 3 hours in the ER we were sent home with prescriptions for antibiotics and still no answer as to what he has. For the next week almost all of my time that wasn’t spent at work was spent at his place, bringing him food he could swallow without irritating the sores that were now lining his mouth and medications to help bring down his fever and ease the discomfort. Hours were spent keeping him company where all I could do was sit across the room from him and watch tv, I desperately wanted to give him a hug, but with not knowing what he has or how contagious it is I couldn’t touch him.

Now, a week may not sound like much to some, but for me it was a lesson in sacrificial love. A lesson in giving of myself in many forms with what felt like zero in return. For many of those days I felt very alone even though he was right there, I couldn’t sit next to him and the sore were so painful in his mouth that he could hardly talk at times. At about day four I had to talk myself into going because I wanted to do something that would give me pleasure instead of spending the day sitting in the same old chair doing the same thing for another day. It was then, in that moment, that God started to really teach me what it means to really love someone.

As I sat in that blue chair that felt like it had become my permanent station He spoke to my heart and asked if I understood the love He has for me. If after just a simple week of giving my time, finances and energy if I had a better perspective on the love He has for me where He sent His son to die for me. When my loneliness almost consumed me that day He reminded me of Jesus crying out to the Father “Why have you forsaken me?” as He hung on the cross. Jesus came and gave his life and endured loneliness like I will never understand out of His love for me before I even existed! Even though I continue to sin and break his heart, even though I don’t appreciate His sacrifice as I should, He still loves me. He gave Himself for me while I was still a sinner. How minute that makes my struggle seem! Yet, through that struggle I’m learning how to love those closest to me with that same sacrificial love of giving and serving without expecting anything in return.

Is Evan still sick? Yes. It has now been 2 weeks with him allowed to do very little over the past week. But that is ok, two weeks is minute in the perspective of eternity.

I Grabbed Ahold Of All My Dreams And Off We Flew...

Dreams, aspirations, desires, not all bad, everyone has them. Tonight I had the pleasure of taking the back seat at study and let my co-leader take the reins and he opened with asking each of us what we could be if we could be anything or go anywhere and why. When it came my turn I had several to answer with so I chose two of the big ones: I want to be a dorm parent at French Camp Academy some day, and I would love to be involved with Christian Veterinary Missions in some form. But there are so many other dreams I have, the smaller ones that influence my daily interactions with people, that I need to take into account as well.

As a study group we have been going over the "7 Deadly Sins" and this week was on lust. As a group we defined lust as: "An overmastering desire that puts the object of desire above God with disregard to the consequences." We didn't discuss lust as simply sexual lust, but also lust for possessions and status. So, back to how my answers to the opening question tie into it all. I have some great aspirations, are they lusts? Those aspirations aren't overmastering, just things I would like to do someday. BUT, I do have to admit I have lusts. Right now I'm lusting for a truck, it has been overpowering for sure! Every single night I have spent hours scouring ads, 2+ nights a week I have been at dealerships talking to pushy salespeople, and so far it's been all for nothing. On one hand, a vehicle is a genuine need with the weather getting cold, on another, it has become an overpowering thing in the past few weeks. Something else a friend posed to me when I was having a rough time of it this past week was this: "Are you missing your ex, or missing having a boyfriend?". That one hit home pretty hard. I have always dreamed of being married and being special to someone and having a man to love, and I have to admit it has made itself a lustful desire in my life. The want to be wanted, and the want for the status of being someone's girl. Are either of these thoughts or dreams bad in and of themselves? No. God created us to want relationships, the desire to be with a man was put there by Him, but when it becomes a distraction to my relationship with God it has become a lustful idol.

These small dreams have pulled me away from my relationship with God. Instead of being a part of God's plan and letting them happen as He wishes, I have tried to put my hand in and focus on them so intensely that I haven't been diligent in my devotions, I have been so caught up in needing finances for a car that I haven't tithed regularly. I have allowed and even promoted these roadblocks in my relationship with God.

Am I a hopeless case? No. Thanks to God's grace I can right what I have been doing wrong. Thanks to His forgiveness I can work towards being a "living and holy sacrifice" even when I do allow things to get in the way, He will still be there when I come back, even though there are consequences.

A friend of mine wrote this song when we were apprentices together, and it has always been one of my favorites. It's about hanging onto our dreams when they pull us away from God. Through tear filled eyes I listened to this song and finally let go tonight. You can listen to the audio version here, the title is "The Balloon Song" by Rachel Mozeika

I grabbed a hold of all my dreams and off we flew,

When my feet they left the ground and I didn’t realize I was leaving you.

Farther and farther, higher and higher

These arms of mine are getting tired

Your gravity is pulling me back to You.

But I think it’s time to let go

Of everything I’ve ever known

Oh the climbs just getting harder

I know that this is gonna hurt

But it’s gonna be much worse

If I hold on much longer

It’s something that was so in vain

Something that I thought I needed

Turned out to be so small

It’s all my fault I’ve drifted so far away from You

I think it’s time to let go,

Time to let go

Of this balloon

It was my choice whether or not to grab ahold of it,

And as I look back down it's beginning to be something I regret,

 Farther and farther, higher and higher,

Your gravity keeps pulling me back to You

But I think it’s time to let go

Of everything I’ve ever known

Oh the climbs just getting harder

I know that this is gonna hurt

But it’s gonna be much worse

If I hold on much longer

It’s something that was so in vain

Something that I thought I needed

Turned out to be so small

It’s all my fault I’ve drifted so far away from You

I think it’s time to let go,

Time to let go

Of this balloon

It comes in all shapes and colors

And some people choose to hold on longer than others

But sometimes all our dreams aren’t always the best for us

And who we really need to cling to is Jesus

Oh I think it’s time to let go

Of everything I’ve ever known

Oh the climbs just getting harder

I know that this is gonna hurt

But it’s gonna be much worse

 If I hold on much longer

It’s something that was so in vain

Something that I thought I needed

Turned out to be so small

It’s all my fault I’ve drifted so far away from You

I think it’s time to let go,

I just let go,

Of this balloon

I Said I'm Waiting For Dawn...

Waiting for my emotions to change. Waiting to feel better inside. Waiting to feel safe and whole again. I heard this song tonight and it has had my head and heart running around in circles. My heart feels homeless, like it can't find anywhere to just rest. But have I even been looking for a place, or to busy trying to ignore the need for that rest and abiding? Have I been so overly active and busy in some things that I have been slothful and neglectful in others?

The last phrase of lyrics sounds a lot like me right now. Every now and then I see you dreaming, Every now and then I see you cry, Every now and then I see you reaching, Reaching for the other side. Some of my best friends have seen the mood swings, the sometimes instant change in me. I'll have a small dream here or there, but something as simple as one comment from someone will crush me. Somewhere I lost my tough skin and soft heart, instead I feel like I have a thin skin and a hard heart for others in its place, and I hate it. In my inability to handle my own emotions and abide in God's rest I have become calloused to those that my heart should be soft towards. It is hard to admit but it's true.

God says all I need to do is come, that His yoke is easy and burden is light, that He is my fortress and my stronghold, I know it all in my head, but in my heart I still struggle to simply admit that I can't do it alone. Dawn will come, but only if I open my eyes to see the light.

What are you waiting for, the day is gone?
I said I'm waiting for dawn
What are you aiming for out here alone?
I said I'm aiming for home

Holding on
Holding on

With red eyes what are you looking for?
With red eyes, red eyes

All of my days are spent within this skin
Within this cage that I'm in
Nowhere feels safe to me, nowhere feels home
Even in crowds I'm alone

Holding on
Holding on

Every now and then I see you dreaming
Every now and then I see you cry
Every now and then I see you reaching
Reaching for the other side
What are you waiting for?

Startin' With Me...

   Security, or insecurity, faith or fear, fulfilled or lonely, at peace or miserable, comforted or bitter... the extremes of my life as of late. The source of my stability can't be the people around me, they fail, can't be my circumstances, they change, can't be myself, because I am nowhere near perfect!

   I make decisions based on faith, initially have a peace about them, but yet find myself doubting those decisions later. I put my expectations in people, in circumstances being just how I planned out in my head, and find myself angry and torn apart inside.

   This past week and a half have been the hardest for me in a long time. I feel like I have been functioning on just above empty. Like there is nothing left to give to anybody, or anything. Today I worked a 12 hour day, I got home and all I wanted to do was take a shower and pass out in bed, yet my head is spinning a million miles an hour. It hasn't taken much to put me in tears the past couple of weeks either. Little things like songs on the radio, going certain places, or the date on the calendar have pushed me to the brink.

   In church we have been doing on a new series called "How To Be Alone And Miserable For The Rest Of Your Life" and it's been on different things that cause us to be without relationship. The first week was on bitterness, last week was selfishness, yesterday was on the power of our words. All 3 have hit home in hard ways and dredged up things that I wish I could go back and change. Am I supposed to let them go? Or am I supposed to go back and try to fix them?

   The only way to fix anything is to change myself first, and it has to be from the inside out. It has to be a God motivated heart change, nothing else will stick.

 If I had a dime
For half the things I did
That didn’t make no sense at all
I’d be living a little higher on the hog
If only I’d of known
That later on down the road
I’d look back and not like what I see
I’d of changed a lot of things
Startin’ with me

All Creatures Of Our God and King...

A rainbow I saw from my backyard

Sunrises, the stars on a clear night, thunderstorms, rainbows, snowflakes, birds, foals, eyes... just a few of the things that put me in awe of the One who created them. As we transition to fall, and will soon have snow in the mountains here in UT, I am continually reminded of God's hand in the world around me. Driving to work this past week we had a glorious rainbow, we haven't had one all summer due to the drought, and just seeing it as I drove brought tears to my eyes as I heard in my heart "I have it all under control". He speaks through everything around me, be it my niece's giggles and curiosity, or the amazing way he created the horses that I treat and work with on a daily basis, or the sky that He paints in majestic colors every morning and every night, He is always there.

Recently I have been seeing reminders of how powerful, and yet how loving, He is to me. His amazing power in a thunderstorm, His knowledge and care in how He created every living thing to be just so, His compassion in a rainbow, His faithfulness in the sunrise every morning. When I'm attentive to things He created I hear His voice like He is speaking directly to me. David got it right when he said "The heavens declare the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the work of His hands. Day to day pours forth speech, and night to night reveals knowledge." (Psalms 19:1-3) If I simply listen in my heart to what I can see with my eyes then my reverence and awe and worship of the God that created them would be more from my heart.