Life Is Not What I Thought It Was...

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

    Change, lots of change, can happen in a very short amount of time. Such has been the story of my life over the last 6 years. "Life Is A Highway" by Rascal Flatts has been my theme song as I've moved from state to state as God has lead me different places. In 24 hours it will be my third anniversary of living in this beautiful state of Utah. In that time I have fallen in love with where I live, made friends, learned the fun things to do, the hole in the wall places to go, and it has started to really feel like home. But in 48 hours that could all change.

    A couple of weeks ago I lost my job due to some complicated circumstances at work. That being said, the last few weeks have been a roller coaster of trying to figure out where I am going and what I'm doing. Job application after job application in a scatter gun effect from coast to coast. The feeling of who I was being torn away, of meeting new people and having no answer when they asked what I do for a living. The repetitive motions of getting up and going for my run and then coming home to sit at the computer all day and do more applications and more searches without knowing where I'm supposed to go next. Today I described it to a friend as feeling like the compass from Pirates of the Caribbean when they didn't know what they wanted and it would just spin in circles. Through those days Psalms 23 has been at the forefront of my mind; "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still waters, He restores my soul." Even without a job I have not been left wanting, I am blessed to have parents who taught me to be responsible with my money so bills have been easily covered, and living under their roof I've had food and shelter, there isn't any more I could ask for right now. The part of the verse that has stood out to me the most though is "He makes me lie down in green pastures". It isn't "He suggests I rest" or "He allows me to rest" it is "He makes me rest". Coming through the spring as a vet tech I was running thin and weary and not only were my relationships with family and friends suffering, but also my relationship with God. The forced rest of not having a job has allowed me to rejuvenate my spiritual life as well as invest more in my social life, not to mention the physical relief of not working crazy hours.

    I say all of that to ask for your prayers as some big things lie in the next couple of days. Things that could bring another drastic change into my life, one that I'm not sure if I'm ready for yet. Today I got my first call on an application I put in last week to set up a phone interview for Wednesday afternoon. The interview is for a position in Mississippi State University's College of Veterinary Medicine Teaching Hospital in their equine department. It would be a major step forward in my career as well as put me geographically closer to a ministry that God has laid on my heart ever since I left there to move to Utah 3 years ago.

    I have no idea what may happen in the next few days, but one thing I have been learning is the importance of praising God in every step of the process. He knows what He is doing, and for that I am very grateful.

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

You Get Used To Somebody...

... You get used to being loved.

Yesterday I got slammed with a feeling I hadn't dealt with in a long time, the feeling of extreme loneliness. The feeling of being completely lost in a sea of thousands that don't care if I do or don't exist. Is it true? No. I'm surrounded by family that loves me and includes me. For some reason the lurking feeling of being lost in the sauce because I'm not on a man's arm overtook me at the concert and fireworks show. Went from enjoying time with my family to suddenly feeling like a 5th wheel. In my head I could justify a million things to blame it on, feeling swamped in memories I had a plethora of excuses. The real lesson amidst the smoke is learning to wait patiently and apply the same discipline I do to my running to the rest of my life.

Now don't get me wrong, I know God is in control etc. Jeremiah 29:11 puts it this way, "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." If this was simply a lesson of intellect, of the mind, I would have it down by now, but it isn't, it is a lesson of the heart. Since it isn't something that fits neatly in a box in my mind it has aspects that touch a multitude of parts of my life right now. Rejoicing with friends as they get engaged and married, giving and serving when it feels like it goes unnoticed, having the discipline to sit at Jesus' feet and wait (I'm not good at sitting, or waiting for that matter). The last one is the biggest it seems. It is extremely tempting to just be the rebel my flesh wants me to be, to just give in to things that are less than ideal because they are immediate, instead of waiting and being on my own for a while longer. It isn't for lack of knowing there is someone out there, for a while it has felt like I've caught a glimpse here or there, but yet God has kept it just out of reach, and for that I am thankful. Just like in healing from my latest running injury I am still healing from my last relationship and in that time other muscles are being worked, parts of my life and relationship with Christ are being strengthened and stretched. Now that doesn't mean I necessarily like the idea, but I wouldn't trade the outcome for the world. 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 sums it up nicely, "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but  I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified."

"Teach me the struggle of the soul to bear,

to check the rising doubt, the rebel sigh;

teach me the patience of unanswered prayer."

It's A New Day Dawning...

     "Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most."

 As I sit here tonight this line just keeps repeating through my head. I saw it on a running website and it has somehow shaken everything up everything I do. Somehow it has made me question every decision, every word that comes out of my mouth, and it has left me feeling quite unsettled about many things.

I have questioned my definition of virtue. I have questioned what I want in a man. I have questioned my discipline in my finances, my discipline in my relationship with God. I have found myself wrestling with James 1:5-8, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." In the mud and confusion of what is right and what I really do or don't want I feel like the double minded man. The person who wants one thing and yet my actions don't follow through more than 50% of the time.

I don't want to be double minded, I don't want to "Know what is right and not do it" like it says in James 4:17. The man who knows what is right and doesn't do it, to him it is sin. If what is right is what comes from God (James 1:16-17 "Do not be deceived my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift cometh down from the father of lights, with whom there is no variance nor shadow of turning.") then that is what I want to pursue. Yet I keep finding myself distracted by the mediocre in the present instead of staying focused on the excellent in the future.

Right now I just continue to thank God for His brand new mercies every morning. Working on making decisions is a lot like running, the hardest step is the first, and it isn't the first on just the first day, but the first step every single day.

Could I Make That Sacrifice?

These past few weeks God has been working on my heart and showing me how much He loves me through the lessons of what true love really looks like and what it really requires. Now I know it has been quite a while since I wrote last, so let me start somewhere towards the beginning.

Back in October I met a young man at Bible study by the name of Evan. For the next few weeks we got to know each other through church, Bible study and game nights and friends’ houses. Through a series of events around Thanksgiving time we both came to the realization that there was mutual interest and on Thanksgiving Day he asked me to be his girl. Over the past few months we have done the normal things dating couples do, gone to movies, out to dinner, hung out with friends, ya know, the normal dating stuff, but that all suddenly changed a couple of weeks ago.

On Sunday February 3^rd he started to break out in a miserable rash and by Tuesday night he was running a high fever. After two days of him getting progressively worse I took him into the Emergency Room. After 3 hours in the ER we were sent home with prescriptions for antibiotics and still no answer as to what he has. For the next week almost all of my time that wasn’t spent at work was spent at his place, bringing him food he could swallow without irritating the sores that were now lining his mouth and medications to help bring down his fever and ease the discomfort. Hours were spent keeping him company where all I could do was sit across the room from him and watch tv, I desperately wanted to give him a hug, but with not knowing what he has or how contagious it is I couldn’t touch him.

Now, a week may not sound like much to some, but for me it was a lesson in sacrificial love. A lesson in giving of myself in many forms with what felt like zero in return. For many of those days I felt very alone even though he was right there, I couldn’t sit next to him and the sore were so painful in his mouth that he could hardly talk at times. At about day four I had to talk myself into going because I wanted to do something that would give me pleasure instead of spending the day sitting in the same old chair doing the same thing for another day. It was then, in that moment, that God started to really teach me what it means to really love someone.

As I sat in that blue chair that felt like it had become my permanent station He spoke to my heart and asked if I understood the love He has for me. If after just a simple week of giving my time, finances and energy if I had a better perspective on the love He has for me where He sent His son to die for me. When my loneliness almost consumed me that day He reminded me of Jesus crying out to the Father “Why have you forsaken me?” as He hung on the cross. Jesus came and gave his life and endured loneliness like I will never understand out of His love for me before I even existed! Even though I continue to sin and break his heart, even though I don’t appreciate His sacrifice as I should, He still loves me. He gave Himself for me while I was still a sinner. How minute that makes my struggle seem! Yet, through that struggle I’m learning how to love those closest to me with that same sacrificial love of giving and serving without expecting anything in return.

Is Evan still sick? Yes. It has now been 2 weeks with him allowed to do very little over the past week. But that is ok, two weeks is minute in the perspective of eternity.

I Grabbed Ahold Of All My Dreams And Off We Flew...

Dreams, aspirations, desires, not all bad, everyone has them. Tonight I had the pleasure of taking the back seat at study and let my co-leader take the reins and he opened with asking each of us what we could be if we could be anything or go anywhere and why. When it came my turn I had several to answer with so I chose two of the big ones: I want to be a dorm parent at French Camp Academy some day, and I would love to be involved with Christian Veterinary Missions in some form. But there are so many other dreams I have, the smaller ones that influence my daily interactions with people, that I need to take into account as well.

As a study group we have been going over the "7 Deadly Sins" and this week was on lust. As a group we defined lust as: "An overmastering desire that puts the object of desire above God with disregard to the consequences." We didn't discuss lust as simply sexual lust, but also lust for possessions and status. So, back to how my answers to the opening question tie into it all. I have some great aspirations, are they lusts? Those aspirations aren't overmastering, just things I would like to do someday. BUT, I do have to admit I have lusts. Right now I'm lusting for a truck, it has been overpowering for sure! Every single night I have spent hours scouring ads, 2+ nights a week I have been at dealerships talking to pushy salespeople, and so far it's been all for nothing. On one hand, a vehicle is a genuine need with the weather getting cold, on another, it has become an overpowering thing in the past few weeks. Something else a friend posed to me when I was having a rough time of it this past week was this: "Are you missing your ex, or missing having a boyfriend?". That one hit home pretty hard. I have always dreamed of being married and being special to someone and having a man to love, and I have to admit it has made itself a lustful desire in my life. The want to be wanted, and the want for the status of being someone's girl. Are either of these thoughts or dreams bad in and of themselves? No. God created us to want relationships, the desire to be with a man was put there by Him, but when it becomes a distraction to my relationship with God it has become a lustful idol.

These small dreams have pulled me away from my relationship with God. Instead of being a part of God's plan and letting them happen as He wishes, I have tried to put my hand in and focus on them so intensely that I haven't been diligent in my devotions, I have been so caught up in needing finances for a car that I haven't tithed regularly. I have allowed and even promoted these roadblocks in my relationship with God.

Am I a hopeless case? No. Thanks to God's grace I can right what I have been doing wrong. Thanks to His forgiveness I can work towards being a "living and holy sacrifice" even when I do allow things to get in the way, He will still be there when I come back, even though there are consequences.

A friend of mine wrote this song when we were apprentices together, and it has always been one of my favorites. It's about hanging onto our dreams when they pull us away from God. Through tear filled eyes I listened to this song and finally let go tonight. You can listen to the audio version here, the title is "The Balloon Song" by Rachel Mozeika

I grabbed a hold of all my dreams and off we flew,

When my feet they left the ground and I didn’t realize I was leaving you.

Farther and farther, higher and higher

These arms of mine are getting tired

Your gravity is pulling me back to You.

But I think it’s time to let go

Of everything I’ve ever known

Oh the climbs just getting harder

I know that this is gonna hurt

But it’s gonna be much worse

If I hold on much longer

It’s something that was so in vain

Something that I thought I needed

Turned out to be so small

It’s all my fault I’ve drifted so far away from You

I think it’s time to let go,

Time to let go

Of this balloon

It was my choice whether or not to grab ahold of it,

And as I look back down it's beginning to be something I regret,

 Farther and farther, higher and higher,

Your gravity keeps pulling me back to You

But I think it’s time to let go

Of everything I’ve ever known

Oh the climbs just getting harder

I know that this is gonna hurt

But it’s gonna be much worse

If I hold on much longer

It’s something that was so in vain

Something that I thought I needed

Turned out to be so small

It’s all my fault I’ve drifted so far away from You

I think it’s time to let go,

Time to let go

Of this balloon

It comes in all shapes and colors

And some people choose to hold on longer than others

But sometimes all our dreams aren’t always the best for us

And who we really need to cling to is Jesus

Oh I think it’s time to let go

Of everything I’ve ever known

Oh the climbs just getting harder

I know that this is gonna hurt

But it’s gonna be much worse

 If I hold on much longer

It’s something that was so in vain

Something that I thought I needed

Turned out to be so small

It’s all my fault I’ve drifted so far away from You

I think it’s time to let go,

I just let go,

Of this balloon

I Said I'm Waiting For Dawn...

Waiting for my emotions to change. Waiting to feel better inside. Waiting to feel safe and whole again. I heard this song tonight and it has had my head and heart running around in circles. My heart feels homeless, like it can't find anywhere to just rest. But have I even been looking for a place, or to busy trying to ignore the need for that rest and abiding? Have I been so overly active and busy in some things that I have been slothful and neglectful in others?

The last phrase of lyrics sounds a lot like me right now. Every now and then I see you dreaming, Every now and then I see you cry, Every now and then I see you reaching, Reaching for the other side. Some of my best friends have seen the mood swings, the sometimes instant change in me. I'll have a small dream here or there, but something as simple as one comment from someone will crush me. Somewhere I lost my tough skin and soft heart, instead I feel like I have a thin skin and a hard heart for others in its place, and I hate it. In my inability to handle my own emotions and abide in God's rest I have become calloused to those that my heart should be soft towards. It is hard to admit but it's true.

God says all I need to do is come, that His yoke is easy and burden is light, that He is my fortress and my stronghold, I know it all in my head, but in my heart I still struggle to simply admit that I can't do it alone. Dawn will come, but only if I open my eyes to see the light.

What are you waiting for, the day is gone?
I said I'm waiting for dawn
What are you aiming for out here alone?
I said I'm aiming for home

Holding on
Holding on

With red eyes what are you looking for?
With red eyes, red eyes

All of my days are spent within this skin
Within this cage that I'm in
Nowhere feels safe to me, nowhere feels home
Even in crowds I'm alone

Holding on
Holding on

Every now and then I see you dreaming
Every now and then I see you cry
Every now and then I see you reaching
Reaching for the other side
What are you waiting for?

Startin' With Me...

   Security, or insecurity, faith or fear, fulfilled or lonely, at peace or miserable, comforted or bitter... the extremes of my life as of late. The source of my stability can't be the people around me, they fail, can't be my circumstances, they change, can't be myself, because I am nowhere near perfect!

   I make decisions based on faith, initially have a peace about them, but yet find myself doubting those decisions later. I put my expectations in people, in circumstances being just how I planned out in my head, and find myself angry and torn apart inside.

   This past week and a half have been the hardest for me in a long time. I feel like I have been functioning on just above empty. Like there is nothing left to give to anybody, or anything. Today I worked a 12 hour day, I got home and all I wanted to do was take a shower and pass out in bed, yet my head is spinning a million miles an hour. It hasn't taken much to put me in tears the past couple of weeks either. Little things like songs on the radio, going certain places, or the date on the calendar have pushed me to the brink.

   In church we have been doing on a new series called "How To Be Alone And Miserable For The Rest Of Your Life" and it's been on different things that cause us to be without relationship. The first week was on bitterness, last week was selfishness, yesterday was on the power of our words. All 3 have hit home in hard ways and dredged up things that I wish I could go back and change. Am I supposed to let them go? Or am I supposed to go back and try to fix them?

   The only way to fix anything is to change myself first, and it has to be from the inside out. It has to be a God motivated heart change, nothing else will stick.

 If I had a dime
For half the things I did
That didn’t make no sense at all
I’d be living a little higher on the hog
If only I’d of known
That later on down the road
I’d look back and not like what I see
I’d of changed a lot of things
Startin’ with me